Good God, What is that?

Ever open a diaper and think, "How can so much poop come out of such a small child?"

Go Here.... Please

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Thinking Out Loud

Okay I have to admit some jeaously here.

And here...

Basically you can put any kick ass blogger there and I'm pea-green with envy.

I want that so bad!! How do I get it? What do I have to do? Which organ do I have to sell?

I'm tossing around the idea of starting a new blog or maybe just changing the format of this one... Maybe a new tag line or layout. And the content, maybe I need to open up more, be more personal. I know I definitely need to post more... What do you think? Hmmmm????

And it continues...

Today I received an email from my sister lashing out at me. Among her chosen words were: I am a horrible mother, I live in squalor, my husband is a worthless piece of crap, I use my Mother, etc etc...

It was heartbreaking for her to say those words, because once you say words like that, once you said words that break hearts (and relationships) you can never take them back.

The relationship I've shared with my sister has been fragile from the start. She called me a whore when I was 14 once (an undeserving title) and for years we didn't have a relationship. When I married at 20 to a man I truly passionately loved, she was bitterly jealous b/c her own marriage (forced upon by an unplanned pregnancy) was falling apart.

She never shared my achievements in life, especially when I surpassed everyone's expectations. She was always green with envy and making snide comments about me behind my back. She was unstable where I was strong. She was shy when I was outgoing.

Indeed, I was the black sheep of the family (a title I do deserve). My parents were hard on her, easy on me. And I know she resented it, she resented me.

A few years back, I decided to open up to her again. Let her be my big sister, we emailed each other all the time, I set her up on dates after her divorce, we lived a mere mile from one another. I helped with her kids, we swapped books, we were sisters.

But underneath it all, I knew it wasn't all there.

And today, it sealed the deal... we are never going to be the sisters you read about in books. We went going to have the kind of relationship I wanted or needed.

Today she broke my heart again. And it's my fault for letting her anywhere near it...

So I will mourn her tonight... and when I wake in the morning I will be bitter and closed off about it.

Now, I must go be that horrid mother everyone's calling me... ta ta.

A Letter Unpublished

Letter Unpublished

Dear Mom,

Today’s conversation with you was a turning point for me. Before this tête-à-tête, I held you high on a pedestal. You were my Mom, someone that I looked up to, someone I desperately wanted to impress.

Today’s conversation changed everything.

It was brought to light that you were unhappy with me, with my situation in life and my chosen path. You clearly stated you thought I was involved with illicit doings, a horrible mother and married to a regretful man. Those words, words I never thought to hear from my own mother, stung deep and still sting to this very second. I’ve always envisioned a perfect relationship with you, fooling myself into thinking there were no underlining… Boy, was I wrong. I always did my best to ignore the snippy comments about my husband. Today, I can ignore them no longer.

My relationship with my husband is my own, so I would never ask you to understand it. All you really need to know is I love him, he loves me. We are happy.

As far as me being a bad mother, how dare you. More deceitful words have never been spoken. I am a fabulous mother to my daughter. I love her more than words can describe, and while you believe I am not, shame on you… shame on you.

Regarding your “disappointment in me” I want to tell you that you should stop. Stop being disappointed in me. I want to tell you that you should be proud of what I’ve accomplished. Be proud of the fact that I graduated college. Be proud that I had a great job for many years, that I married for love and seven years later brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. I want to tell you that while you may be disappointed in me, I am not disappointed in myself. I have achieved many great things on my own and I am happy, so happy. I will continue to be successful. I will not let your negative words drag me down. I will continue to thrive and because of your pessimistic attitude, you will not know.

Our relationship is irrevocably damaged.

Things will never be the same and I am sorry. You will miss out some spectacular moments in my life.

I Call B.S.

Today was swimming along perfectly. I made homemade waffles for breakfast, I played with Roo and JB. Everything was making it out to be a perfect Sunday.

Then I checked my email.

And was slapped with a full inbox of bickering and fighting and friendship ending.



So I clicked on the email that started it all with a warning from my best friend, B. It said: Be Warned.

I should've just deleted it all.

Since the Girls Night Out, I've received two emails from T and I choose not to respond to them b/c I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it all. Yesterday, after annoying the hell out of my husband, I decided I would answer her with a cool, calm reserve. I was going to chuck all that crap she talked under the rug and act like it never happened.

Then I read the email from B and it all disappeared. T, had decided to launch an attack against myself, B and K. Full on out calling us liars and bullshitters. It was a long, rambling letter full of grammatical errors that drove me batty.

Apparently this tirade started yesterday and while B was working, she and T, had it out, all while cc'ing myself and K.

It was made very clear in these emails that T, hates us, thinks we're full of shit and that I am a bad person for the decisions I've made in my life. She even had the nerve to drag my husband and I's relationship into this.

This is where I hit the brakes... this is where I get mad... not just mad, steaming mad. So mad I'm about to get in my truck and drive to her house and cause physical harm mad.

Everyone knows my feelings about my relationship. That's simply it: It's MY relationship. I've told everyone not to bother trying to figure out my relationship with my husband b/c you will NEVER understand! You are not me, you are not him, so butt out. I never try to get into someone else's relationship b/c I believe it is sacred. It is theirs and theirs own. K and B understand this.

T never has understood anything.

So I respond to her email, simply b/c you attack my family, I attack you. Any mother knows this code, we all follow it.

The bitch closed her email account.

She lashes out at me, about being a horrid friend, a bullshitter, a backstabber, a basically all around piece of crap, and she runs and hides before I can respond. I was running for the truck again when my husband stopped me and convinced me getting thrown in jail wouldn't be a wise idea since he only has $10 in his pocket.

I agreed.

It just kills me that she's all pissed off b/c she can't grasp how the friendship K, B and I have works. Egh, it's not even worth it anymore.

So, I'm going to mourn this friendship as for the same amount of time that she took to distroy it.

And go...

Done.

Seriously, I'm done.

Guilty Mommy

Today while I was piling shavings (for the horse stalls) into the back of the golf cart, Roo was running around the area doing what she normally does.

Playing with the chain on the gate: Check.

Smooshing shavings between fingers: Check.

Running away from Mommy: Check.

It always takes me ten times longer to fill the cart when she's with me. It takes me so long because everytime I turn around, she runs away.

But that's not the point of this story. The point of today's story is that while I was working, Roo climbed into the golf cart and began to play with all the no-no stuff that's stored in the cubby-holes. With every scoop of shavings, I was calling out to her to be careful (Yeah, I know she's only 15 months and DOES NOT understand what I'm saying, but it makes me feel better). After a few shouts, I noticed she had stood up and was eyeing the ground.

Being me, I dropped the shovel mid-scoop and went her way... but apparently I am not fast enough, she tumbled off the golf cart before I could get to her... and slammed her head into the metal gate.

BAM!

Oh, she hit the ground and CRIED CRIED CRIED.

I felt sooo bad! I knew what was going to happen, but I was too damned slow to get to her in time. :( Now my baby has a deep purple bruise on her cheek (right by her eye!!). She was so upset and so was I.

I always get this was when she falls (and she FALLS). I know it's the way of a child, they're exploring unknowingly and accidents happen... I know this, but it doesn't stop my guilt at not being there for her.

She stopped crying after 15 minutes and let me hold her and cuddle with her.

Another 15 minutes later, she was pushing a broom around the barns without a care in the world.

Atleast she recovers nicely.