Today I received an email from my sister lashing out at me. Among her chosen words were: I am a horrible mother, I live in squalor, my husband is a worthless piece of crap, I use my Mother, etc etc...
It was heartbreaking for her to say those words, because once you say words like that, once you said words that break hearts (and relationships) you can never take them back.
The relationship I've shared with my sister has been fragile from the start. She called me a whore when I was 14 once (an undeserving title) and for years we didn't have a relationship. When I married at 20 to a man I truly passionately loved, she was bitterly jealous b/c her own marriage (forced upon by an unplanned pregnancy) was falling apart.
She never shared my achievements in life, especially when I surpassed everyone's expectations. She was always green with envy and making snide comments about me behind my back. She was unstable where I was strong. She was shy when I was outgoing.
Indeed, I was the black sheep of the family (a title I do deserve). My parents were hard on her, easy on me. And I know she resented it, she resented me.
A few years back, I decided to open up to her again. Let her be my big sister, we emailed each other all the time, I set her up on dates after her divorce, we lived a mere mile from one another. I helped with her kids, we swapped books, we were sisters.
But underneath it all, I knew it wasn't all there.
And today, it sealed the deal... we are never going to be the sisters you read about in books. We went going to have the kind of relationship I wanted or needed.
Today she broke my heart again. And it's my fault for letting her anywhere near it...
So I will mourn her tonight... and when I wake in the morning I will be bitter and closed off about it.
Now, I must go be that horrid mother everyone's calling me... ta ta.