And it continues...

Today I received an email from my sister lashing out at me. Among her chosen words were: I am a horrible mother, I live in squalor, my husband is a worthless piece of crap, I use my Mother, etc etc...

It was heartbreaking for her to say those words, because once you say words like that, once you said words that break hearts (and relationships) you can never take them back.

The relationship I've shared with my sister has been fragile from the start. She called me a whore when I was 14 once (an undeserving title) and for years we didn't have a relationship. When I married at 20 to a man I truly passionately loved, she was bitterly jealous b/c her own marriage (forced upon by an unplanned pregnancy) was falling apart.

She never shared my achievements in life, especially when I surpassed everyone's expectations. She was always green with envy and making snide comments about me behind my back. She was unstable where I was strong. She was shy when I was outgoing.

Indeed, I was the black sheep of the family (a title I do deserve). My parents were hard on her, easy on me. And I know she resented it, she resented me.

A few years back, I decided to open up to her again. Let her be my big sister, we emailed each other all the time, I set her up on dates after her divorce, we lived a mere mile from one another. I helped with her kids, we swapped books, we were sisters.

But underneath it all, I knew it wasn't all there.

And today, it sealed the deal... we are never going to be the sisters you read about in books. We went going to have the kind of relationship I wanted or needed.

Today she broke my heart again. And it's my fault for letting her anywhere near it...

So I will mourn her tonight... and when I wake in the morning I will be bitter and closed off about it.

Now, I must go be that horrid mother everyone's calling me... ta ta.

A Letter Unpublished

Letter Unpublished

Dear Mom,

Today’s conversation with you was a turning point for me. Before this tête-à-tête, I held you high on a pedestal. You were my Mom, someone that I looked up to, someone I desperately wanted to impress.

Today’s conversation changed everything.

It was brought to light that you were unhappy with me, with my situation in life and my chosen path. You clearly stated you thought I was involved with illicit doings, a horrible mother and married to a regretful man. Those words, words I never thought to hear from my own mother, stung deep and still sting to this very second. I’ve always envisioned a perfect relationship with you, fooling myself into thinking there were no underlining… Boy, was I wrong. I always did my best to ignore the snippy comments about my husband. Today, I can ignore them no longer.

My relationship with my husband is my own, so I would never ask you to understand it. All you really need to know is I love him, he loves me. We are happy.

As far as me being a bad mother, how dare you. More deceitful words have never been spoken. I am a fabulous mother to my daughter. I love her more than words can describe, and while you believe I am not, shame on you… shame on you.

Regarding your “disappointment in me” I want to tell you that you should stop. Stop being disappointed in me. I want to tell you that you should be proud of what I’ve accomplished. Be proud of the fact that I graduated college. Be proud that I had a great job for many years, that I married for love and seven years later brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. I want to tell you that while you may be disappointed in me, I am not disappointed in myself. I have achieved many great things on my own and I am happy, so happy. I will continue to be successful. I will not let your negative words drag me down. I will continue to thrive and because of your pessimistic attitude, you will not know.

Our relationship is irrevocably damaged.

Things will never be the same and I am sorry. You will miss out some spectacular moments in my life.